Where to even start with this 'religion' thing...Hmm, I can start at the beginning of my journey I guess. God started communicating with me in high school when he introduced me to the "God Squad" at school. You see, I was in a very large 'clique' of friends; we were known as the 'jocks' the 'popular kids' the 'preps', 'goodie-goodies' and 'God Squad.' I would say there were about 35 of us made up of soccer, volleyball, baseball, football and basketball players. I was close with each of the individual groups within our main posse...the 'God Squad' was one of them. I got along with the girls and guys very well, but I always felt a little different because I had not met Christ (and had never been in a church-besides a wedding or two); one day I told my buddy, Max that I believe in God, and didn’t think I had to go to church to prove it. He helped me to "accept God into my life" with a little prayer session in the quad at Union Mine. I felt the same as I did the 5 minutes before this went down.
That's because He doesn't work like that. God chooses when he will enter our lives, and even though I was convinced I was ready to receive his grace and mercy as a junior in high school, I was very wrong. I realized this when I toured Westmont College in Santa Barbara with my Jeep Gramma and Mom. We went and met the volleyball coach and watched them play a match... I knew it was a Christian college but I found it very odd that after the match the team circled up in the center of the court and prayed together. Then they yelled "for Him!"... I looked around the gym for a coach or guest before finally looking at mamadukes and saying, "For who? Who are they talking about?".... Oh dear...
Needless to say, I did NOT attend Westmont. I did end up at Guilford College. A Liberal Arts (aka. WRITING INTENSIVE) College established on Quaker values....Sounds like me, right? No. --But they were giving the most financial aid, I had a good shot of being able to play vb (yes, I told Coach I was 5'1 before I committed) and it was a gorgeous campus. It felt right when I toured it. Well, Guilford is in Greensboro, North Carolina....located in the ''bible belt''...This was God's way of moving me closer to very important people in my life...without throwing me to the wolves at Westmont.
Upon my arrival at Guilford, mom and I met a guy, Gabriel. He and his roommate Justin were the first two of my most important people I met here. They came from families that could regularly be found in church on Sundays. They each had a bible by their bedsides in their dorms, and it was 'cute' to me. Then I met Shelby, she lived a few doors down from me in my freshman dorm, bible by the bed, crosses on the wall bible verses written in different colors all over the room... One of the sweetest, most caring girls I have met. [I want to make clear, I am not going into detail about all of these special people to me...just trying to give you a sense of who I was introduced to]. With my financial aid, Guilford offered me work study. I applied for a few jobs, got two and God (secretly) had me decide to work with the sports information director, Mr. Dave Walters as a sports info assistant. Dave and his wife, Christine (and his whole family) are VERY involved members at his (our?) Church.
My freshman year, I went home with Shelby for Easter, and we went to Church. I felt as though I could have been the only person in the entire church. The pastor was talking directly at me. I felt very uncomfortable. This happened every single time I attended church. I think my friends and I went about 4 or 5 times over the years, and I had the same feeling. I kept fighting God. He was trying to communicate with me and I was pushing Him away and intentionally ignoring Him. I did not want to "buy into" this whole religion thing. I saw my peers (not previously mentioned) who were "Christians" out drinking all the time and sleeping with different guys and cheating and basically committing every sin besides killing a human being. I thought that I did not want to be a "Christian" if that is what it was like. My theory was that I could be a good person and make the right decisions on my own without a church and posting bible verses on Sundays after coming home from church with a hangover. This is when I would remember that I had “accepted God into my life” in high school, and figured I was saved as far as I was concerned.
I struggled between my freshman and sophomore year with “knowing” who I was and trying to accept my friends (and their behaviors/decisions) for who they were. I really was having a hard time accepting a lot of things. The timing could not have been more perfect for my prom date Jordan (from high school) to call me (after a year and some odd months of not talking really but the casual hey-hi-how are yous)- he said, “Tay, I was thinking about you and I have something for you. I really think what I have will help you...what’s your address etc”
... I received a package and inside was a mini pocket bible.... I hate to admit it, but I thought it was kind of weird, but Jordan is one of the most genuine men I have ever met and I thought the world of him for thinking of me. I started opening my ‘baby bible’ at random to find what Jesus said about 'fake Christians’ in efforts to try to selfishly prove my point when faced with certain situations that I was letting get to me. Satan was really leading my decisions and thoughts my sophomore year. I was being an ugly individual, and it was having a clear effect on my friendships and especially my relationship with my family, more specifically my sister. I had no tolerance, no patience and was very negative in nature. Nothing was good enough; I could not see the positives in most situations and was very lost. I was feeling very entitled.
I became hard-hearted. My heart was like a stone in a sense. Not to everyone or everything, but specifically towards religion, and unfairly towards Jesus. My boss, Dave, continuously tried to encourage me to go to church with him. He offered his advice and/or just an ear to listen and I turned it down, time and time again. I went through a phase where I did not look forward to going into work, because I did not want to talk about religion or Jesus or anything remotely related. I had had enough. God told Dave to back off, though his intentions were right, he was being called to share the Gospel with me and bring me closer to God, it just was not in a way that I was ready for. God recognized that I was starting to distance myself [emotionally] from Dave, and knew that pushing Dave away was worse than me not accepting Jesus as my savior at that point in my life. God was not through with trying to get my attention, but he gave me a break.
During this time, I regained my own curiosity and started to pick up the bible every once in a while. I even asked Shelby to maybe write down her favorite bible verses for me to read. Before I went abroad to Ireland, Shelby gave me one of the greatest Christmas presents I have been given. [I didn’t understand at the time though] She gave me a bible and very personal heart-felt letter. This bible is HUGE...it has everything in it. In the margins there are present day examples and stories/lessons/quotes and summaries of what is found in the Word. There are plans to follow, topics of interest and the corresponding scripture (ie. If you are feeling tempted see
1 Corinthians 10:13 ..etc). Her letter was very touching and I appreciated it so much. She also gave me a cd with songs on it that had touched her and she gave a description of each song and how she interpreted it and how she relates it to God and her life.
Off to Ireland I went, I left the bible from Shelby at home, but brought my baby bible from Jordan with me. In Ireland, I met one of the most influential, inspiring and important people I will ever meet in my life, Rachel. She is the Godliest woman I know at this point in my life [and still today]. This girl, she is my super twin, there are not enough kind words to describe her, but she is a living example of a real Christian. The first I have met. I mean that not to put down others I met, but Rachel is a walking, breathing, living example of someone that is overflowing with God’s love. She cannot keep it in, even if she wanted to.
When Rachel talks she-without noticing- thanks God every time, she praises him, shares the Gospel and exudes His grace without being over-powering, pushy or annoying about it. She is consistent with everything she does; her thoughts, actions and words are all consistent with each other. If she read this right now she would tell me to shut up-she just can’t see how inspiring she is because she doesn’t try, she has successfully received his Grace like so many try to do…her ‘who’ determines her ‘do’- Rachel knows who she is in Christ and therefore does the right things and makes the right decisions for the right reasons. Rachel was very patient with God and did not try to force their relationship, that is probably why she has received His grace so successfully.
God knew that I needed proof of His existence, of His will and graciousness, and He introduced me to Rachel. Not one time did she have to ask me anything about my religion, relationship with Jesus or anything at all. I yearned to know more when I was around her. I wanted to be like her. This just proved to me more that I was trying to force it. By wanting to be someone other than who God made me was one of the many strikes I had against me.
It was about this time in Ireland that I wanted to figure out who Taylor was; I underwent a natural change or sudden awareness of who I was, who I wanted to be and how to combine the two so that there was no difference. I blogged multiple times about my ‘finding myself’and it became a recurring theme…God let Dave interact with me again, in a subtle way, to remind me of how much he cares. Dave sent me a package containing a CD (among many other things) by Jason Castro titled “Who I Am.” God is constantly carrying out meticulous details in our “little picture” that may not make sense at the time, but play a huge part in our “big picture.” He plans everything perfectly so that nothing is by chance. This was one of those moments.
I told you it was long, but I promise, I stop ignoring God here soon!
In November, Dave and I had a two hour long conversation about how God is trying to reach me. I told him that I have this overwhelming feeling that something big was going to happen in my life, I was thinking more about worldly things such as a getting a job offer or a car! In our conversation the only thing I took away from it was that he said I was a failure because I had not been saved. This irked me. [Please know that there was a lot said, and everything was positive, I just had selective hearing I guess and took one little thing and focused on the negative] I got defensive and immediately thought, I am not a failure. I even told him that I disagreed with his opinion. I informed him that I am a good person; I make good decisions and do not mess up etc. Strike whatever I am at now. I was stone-hearted again.I was blocking God out. Dave invited another important person in my life to the office, Sarah. He prayed for me and told Sarah I should come to bible study. He gave her coupons for us to go get some fro-yo together, his treat. We parted ways and I had hw to do and had no desire to enter into a situation to “interact with God” as he had worded it in his prayer for me. I did not text Sarah to go get fro-yo.
God backed off again, but Satan stepped in. I was invited to church that Sunday and then to lunch at Dave’s afterwards with the rest of the Sports info assistants. Well, as Satan would have it, I was DD the night before and left my phone in the car I drove, which was parked on the other side of campus. The phone had my alarm set to actually go to church. -- I am an early riser, 9 out of 10 days I will beat my alarm and be wide awake -- as you can imagine, this particular Sunday I slept in. Once I got my phone I realized I had missed church and lunch...
Just after getting back from Christmas break I met another very important person in my life. We began to get to know each other, and I had some hopes that it may lead to something more. That was until he said that he devoted his life to Christ and that is what he desires. He said that my heart is not in the right place because I do not love and desire Christ more than him. Automatically, I heard that I was not good enough, and not worth a shot. So- as God created me- I was going to prove this guy wrong. I decided that I would read the bible cover to cover if that was all that was preventing the two of us from progressing. Strike infinity. I am surprised I wasn’t struck by lightning. Instead I was struck by His light. In my readings I found that I wanted to open my heart to Christ. I was sitting in bed reading the bible night after night. I changed my radio station to the Christian station that plays in Greensboro, K-Love. I was not doing it anymore so that this man had no other excuses to pass me up. He wasn’t in my thoughts anymore when I was reading scripture, or praying, out loud-by myself-in my room (yup, still the same Taylor- I promise). He was not in my room to hear that I had the radio station switched. I do not post statuses on Facebook to brag, and we do not follow one another on Twitter, so he had no idea that I was actually enjoying this and hearing what God was trying to tell me all along. This guy doesn’t see my notebook of questions and notes and verses that I write down either.
While my initial reasons were entirely wrong and selfish, God had to get my attention somehow. I am kind of embarrassed that is the way in which He had to do it, but I am so glad He did. It has been a long courtship, but He finally got my attention. I have finally asked Christ into my heart. I have welcomed Him in and have put all of my trust in Him and His plan for me. I am somewhere on the path of righteous, not sure where, but I know that I am surely on it, and moving forward. His love for me is so great. It is more than I could fathom, and it truly is something you have to personally experience. It is hard to put into words; because it is more than just words, it is a feeling.
I mentioned earlier that Shelby gave me a gift. I have finally received it. I had her re-send me her letter the other day, and I teared up reading it, something that did not happen the first time. She gave me a gift, but I had yet to truly receive it until I read it again and fully understood and was able to hear what she was saying, how much she cares and the thought she put into it. I interpret the verses and songs so much differently now than I did just over a year ago. God has been trying to give me a gift for years now also, and I just wasn’t receiving it. I am receiving God’s grace, I am feeling his love from the very first second I wake up until I finish my prayer before I fall asleep.
I am not saying this happened over night, by no means is that the case. Let’s be real, I was practically in tears the first Sunday I decided I was going to church. I was a panicky mess. I was feeling so insecure and worried that I would have this special glow or something at church that would let everyone know that it was my first time and that I still truly did not believe. Church that Sunday was about embracing humility. Fitting. 100% what I needed to hear. In church that Sunday and the following one I felt that familiar feeling that I could have been the only person there. I was feeling so convicted. I even attended a Sunday school session (Dave’s father taught the lesson) and even though I was a nervous wreck before that, I found that I enjoyed it and learned so much.
At this point I can say that I have a long way to go, I am enjoying the glory I am in now and recognizing that I am not as mature in my faith as those around me but that none of my impatience will rush God. He works in a special way for each of us. I am trusting in His plan. Heck, He knows that I am a newbie, and I don’t feel pressure from Him to change overnight and therefore should not be feeling pressure from anyone around me, or from myself either. I know that I need change, and I want to change. I honestly can see and feel God changing me daily, but for the time being I will not reject myself, for He accepts me. I will accept who I am right now and know that I will not always remain this way. I know God created me, and He sure does love me.
I know that I will never be perfect and because of this, I will not get discouraged when God convicts me of areas where I need improvement. I want and need to walk in the reality of truth. I am going to mess up, I am going to sin and I am going to be weak, but God has taken my wrongness and given me his righteousness. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with me, I am focusing on what is right in Jesus so that I can overcome my weaknesses and grow. During each trial, I know that I will learn something that will help me in my future, or better understand my past.
My confidence is not meant to be in myself but in Christ so that when God is moving into my life and interacting with me I can believe that He will equip me with what I need and when I need it. I am working on trusting God fully in order to become the strongest I can spiritually. God has a plan for my life. I have been given gifts and talents by Him and I intend to use them to help others and fulfill my destiny.
My biggest struggle is being patient with Him. By nature, I want answers. I have never been good with just waiting and the unknown freaked me out, although this is not solved, I have confidence that He has my heart in mind, and He knows how to guard my heart. He will not intentionally hurt me, but if I try to take over and make my own plans, He will keep me in check by introducing me to people that may hurt me; while this is a sucky way for him to teach me, any parent will do what it takes to discipline their children when they do not listen.
These kind of remind me not to get too anxious and just let Him work:
“patience is not the ability to wait, it is the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting”
“we may not always know, but we can be satisfied to know the one that knows”
There are so many more, but I need to cut myself off from writing. My goal right now is to put my dependence on who I am in Christ rather than on what I do. My “do” should be to believe. If I can accomplish this, my actions will reflect it. Not only will it become second-nature to live my life as Christ did, but I will want to do these good works for the right reasons, and not for attention or selfish motives. I have to be bold and obedient in order to be led by the Holy Spirit, and I need to have self-discipline and most importantly patience. I can’t expect to pass into the next degree of Glory until I enjoy the one I am in at this very moment.
I do recognize that I would not be where I am today, and would not have made any progress at all if it were not for every single person I have met in my life even all of the fake Christians that have helped me to really understand the true definition of a Christian-which I can only have faith and pray that I can become. You have all helped me to become who I am today, and for that I am so thankful. Initially I intended to add a lot more important people I have met here, but there are more blogs to come!
Oh and don’t worry, I am still ‘that girl’… Friday night was my first time attending the Women’s Bible Study here at Guilford with Sarah and a few other athletes on campus. For starters, I showed up at the wrong room, in the wrong building. Then, when I finally found the right room, I realized I left my bible in my room. Way to gooooo, not having a bible and bible study!!! God is changing me daily, but apparently He still wants me to be a dork.
<3
