My passion in this life

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I have always struggled with having confidence in myself. For as far back as I can remember I always second guessed myself, my decisions, the clothes I wore, how I did my hair and even what friends I chose to spend my time with. If I thought I had decided something with my own interest in mind, I immediately changed my mind if someone close to me gave me an opinion that was different than my own. Sad, huh?  Even though I always thought I had a good grasp on who I was as an individual, I was really just someone that was trying to please everyone, all the time. I was lost.

When I went to Ireland it was my goal to re-create myself. Nobody there knew who I was and that I was this second-guessing, insecure individual. There was nothing for me to re-create, but rather finally accept who I was, and stop putting others above me. Apparently I accomplished being "me" while I was there because on numerous occasions my best friends said that they wished that they had my confident, outgoing and determined personality. When I revealed to them that very few people actually know the real me and that I had been the pushover or the butt of jokes and very insecure they laughed and said no way. They simply could not fathom that I did not know who I was or what I wanted in life.

There are still only a few people that actually know the real me, and I have myself to blame for that. It has only made me realize how much more complete I am in Jesus. Before, I would feel stupid if I spoke my mind or chose to do something that might not have been the same thing that my friends or family would have done. I always looked to others to make my decisions for me because I lacked confidence in my decision-making ability. [this does not apply to big issues concerning ethics or life decisions-but silly things like what guy was cutest, or who the best band was]- I hope that a lot of that was influenced by my age as well.....

After entering into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ I have realized that those earthly things have no value. Yes, I guess they will 'kinda' matter for my next 60-70 years on earth [that’s a stretch to even write], but what value do they really hold? I am not going to stand before God and say that my favorite band was the most popular or that I crushed on the most popular/cutest guy or hung out with the 'cool girls' and therefore I deserve to be with Him for eternity...He sent his only Son to die on the cross for my sins, there is no way I can present myself, as a Christian, before Him and say that in my life on earth I 'fit in' and expect Him to say "Well, come on in Taylor! Great job, you did exactly what I created you for!"

I realized that in order to truly be myself, I must be faithful to God- all day, every day. I must remain firm in my faith until I personally meet Him. When I say must remain firm, it sounds as if it is a rule I MUST follow...instead I want you to read that as me wanting to remain firm in my faith. I want to be obedient, I want to glorify God, and I want to reflect what Christ is- not to make myself look good- but to make Him look great. I am realizing that every waking moment I have I want to devote to Christ. Obviously, for me right now that means that I want to know Him more. I am reading every extra second I get. I read scripture, books, multiple apps, random tweets and blogs; I listen to podcasts online and find that I have to stop myself so that I can start some homework or do laundry and even eat. This is not to brag and say “look what I am doing- go me.”  But I am saying “go God!” He is making me feel so alive, and I cannot get enough.

This, I am choosing to do- on my own. Well, the Holy Spirit is within me and is giving me this passion and is leading me closer to God every minute. I am confident in my decisions to do this, even if someone was to tell me that they don't think it is a good idea. I am confident in my faith and having faith is being confident in God. Even when things are not going exactly how I want them to be going, He gave me this life and is having me do things to delight in Him and fully display His glory. Everything that is happening is to live out His plan for me in this world.

This is not always easy or obvious to me as to why I am not given things that I desire, but my faith tells me that it is the right thing and that I must be patient to find out why. I trust in His plan; He supplies strength through faith in His promises. I know that He wants me to be happy; therefore I must seek happiness in Him and not in my own selfish wants. My confidence is in God or who I am in Christ, and not in my fleshy self. He has given me this life, and I owe it to Him to live it how He has planned. I have received the gift of life, who would I be if I selfishly lived it for myself without ever thanking Him and trying to repay Him? Not a true Christian.

I recently read a book titled Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, and it really smacked me in the face in terms of how I have been living for 21 years. I was never fully alive, or aware of my existence. I have been going through the motions, living day to day doing generally the same things each day but with no purpose or gratitude really. Piper says that a wasted life is a life without a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples. I had no passion before. Yes I enjoy raising animals and playing volleyball but I did not wake up thinking of these hobbies and read non-stop about them. I did not feel volleyball was determining every decision I made. I did not do things to glorify the game of volleyball. It was a hobby, I felt very interested in and enjoyed spending my time doing, but I would not go as far as saying that it was a passion. I can only say that because I have a real passion now. I desire that my life will count for something great, I want to have eternal significance; I want to make knowing and enjoying God the passionate pursuit of my life. His value is far greater than anything in this life.

In Piper's book he writes about taking risks in life. A lot of people are afraid of taking risks, obviously, they are risky- but when you trust in God, risk is right. When you take risks for the sake of His name, He gives us the strength to lose face because He promises to lift up face in the end. When we take risks for sake of Christ, it reflects His value and our faith in His care and His care for us is greater than our value. I mentioned above that I was always trying to please people and 'fit in', I want to please God. He has given me life and whatever He wills, I will do. I will take faith-filled risks, even if that goes against everything I always have tried to do, even if that means I will not 'fit in'.

Piper asks great questions in his book that I hope to ask myself in every action or decision I make... How will this help me treasure Christ more? How will this help me know Christ or display Christ? How can I portray God as glorious in this action? I am pretty sure I will feel silly if I am stressing over what to wear and ask myself these questions...to quote Rascal Flatts "There are things that matter, and things that don't."

I do not want to waste my life anymore; I have been given new life. I have been united with Christ through faith and I do not want disappoint my Creator. I don't want to stop halfway through, but it is going to take great faith and courage to finish; but I will do things confidently and remain confident after I do them, for confidence is faith, and my faith is in Him. I am going to be bold, and not feel condemned, for those who suffer from condemnation usually don’t believe they hear from God (Joyce Meyer). Everyone makes mistakes (I am not silly enough to think I won’t make mistakes), insecure people won't try again, but bold people will try until they learn to do it right.

God's righteousness has been provided for us, there is no need to feel self-righteous-for none of us will ever be perfect.

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