Gratitude

My family and I have had a lot of conversations lately. About everything. Church. Jesus. Mormonism. Christianity. Life. Faith. Tests. EVERYTHING. I love it. We recently found a church that really fits all of us I think. I am excited to see how God lives in us. How he moves us and how we grow together. Honestly, it was easy for me to "forget" Jesus and kind of put him to the back burner. I didn't want to be bold. I didn't want to take chances. I didn't want to make those around me feel uncomfortable, and in that I kind of stopped going to scripture. I stopped bowing my head and dinner and anywhere in public-eventually even when I was alone. But since having these conversations (almost daily) where Christ comes up with my family I realized that they are with me. They are learning just like I am. They are on this path with me. It has made it easier for me. But also reminded me that Jesus was not my priority. I had this made-up idea that my family was against God, against religion, against Christianity and against me - so I hid Him. I stopped. That is terrifying that it was that easy for me to do but I will grow from that. I am so thankful that we had a conversation about it as well. Christ used my Stepdad to slap me in the face (not literally) and ask me what the heck was going on. Why I was denying Jesus to myself and more importantly my family. Why I was hiding Him, and why in the world I even thought they were not on this path with me. He came to me and out of the conversation, I learned a lot; we learned a lot.

I, personally, am thankful for painful growth (that doesn't mean I am a fan of it!). I have prayed to God a lot lately. I wan't to be more like Him. I want to have patience, grace and an unending love for those I spend time with. Well, he took my thoughts and prayers literally (as he usually does) and is testing me. I discovered these last few weeks that I am terrible and have about zero tolerance, for a lot - But through my prayers and His little tests, I am aware of where I am lacking. I am aware that I have no idea how to "pick my battles" and I am thankful for these tests, because I have the opportunity to be better - to be more like Jesus. When I struggle with a personality I spend my time with or little annoyances I have to step back and realize they are nothing in comparison to what many deal with on a daily basis. Where would we be if Christ said, "these people are so annoying, get me off this cross, I changed my mind." "Father, I don't care if they know not what they do, they're obnoxious, and I am annoyed."

I have no idea how He did it, but for that He is my Savior. Obviously He was before but, now I admire Him for a different reason. I am reminded constantly of how great my God is, and that is kinda awesome to me. 

Daily, we are given opportunities (or obstacles) to be thankful for something. To learn about ourselves more and what we are here for. Why were we given life? Why do some feel superior to others? What makes me better than the next person? Why am I deserving? These are never easy questions to ask yourself,  but when you try to answer (honestly) the lesson holds so much value and importance.

Alone, I am nothing. I am sarcastic, jealous, defensive and can't take a joke. With Christ, my hope is that I can be forgiving, I can smile when I feel put down, I can freely give grace to those around me and love without holding things against people. 

A life in Christ is not easy; as a race we are sinners, but we have already been forgiven. We are already loved. I am already saved. I have received all of this and now I want to show gratitude to my God. I do not have to earn anything, I already have been given the gift; I want the rest of my life on Earth to be spent writing my "thank you" letter.

Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness

Since yesterday, what might I be doing differently?

Nothing physically, but mentally I am not even at work, my thoughts are anywhere but in the physical reality. I have been sitting here reminding myself of all of God's gifts. I even sat down and wrote a letter to a complete stranger today. My letter was (I hope) uplifting, encouraging and a simple reminder that we are meant for more. We were born to be better.  www.moreloveletters.com is one of my favorite websites (besides MaxPreps.com and Pinterest.com of course) right now. If you love to write, please share. It is fun, easy and totally anonymous - which is my favorite part! If you are like me and just wish you could take your own advice in many situations but just can't-write it down. Share your advice with a total stranger, it might be exactly what they needed.

But anywaysss..back to the point of my blog....

One of the most frustrating things for me is to see how see how distracted I have become and how hostile to God I have been since leaving NC with my wants and desires. Nothing has been centered around Christ, not even really bordering Christ. [[Please don't read into to that and make assumptions that I have been living irresponsibly or living a dark life- simply take that as I have just about opened my bible long enough to wipe the dust off and only prayed when I thought the world was ending because some silly boy didn't like me anymore <-- that part you can judge me for]].  But what is more frustrating is knowing that a lot of my loved ones don't know what I know. They don't know the love of Jesus like I do. This is extremely frustrating to me, because I know I can't convince them (I shouldn't have to), but because I know what my response and my reactions were when lovers of Jesus tried convincing me with their words and mini preaching lessons- I shut them out. Turned my shoulder, and my heart, AWAY from Christ. I had my guard up and was on the defense. Guess what though, this all excites me.

Wait a minute, I just finished saying I am frustrated, so why am I excited now? Because that means I have a challenge. I have accepted the challenge from my Savior to lead by my actions. [[This will come out cliche-but I don't really care]]. I want to lead by example. I want to not have to open my mouth except to love others around me. I have failed; I speak and think ill of others. I get jealous. I get insecure. I make excuses. I allow myself to think others are greater than me and that I am not worthy. This is all wrong. It is all very easy to do, and that is why I am accepting this bold challenge. I need everyone and anyone around me to hold me accountable. I will get defensive when I am failing-I know myself- but push me harder; don't let me get lazy.

To speak of Christ will only push people further away, to shove Him down the throats of others will not get the response I want. YES, I know that some people feel "called" to share the gospel in that way; to be aggressive about it and make sure they do their part and can check that off their list. I do not want to live by lists though. I need to flip my life back around. [[again, I am not doing anything illegal, I am not out cursing at strangers and causing ruckus in town; I am not killing anyone or stealing or really doing anything "bad" except neglecting Jesus-which is the worst of all-in my book]]. I am not vowing to not speak of Christ-duh. I am a girl, and girls can't shut up when they are in love. When a girl is giddy and excited, it is an unwritten code that everyone around them better expect to get tired of hearing story after story and dissecting each detail with them. So it is bound to happen; but I want to speak of him in a way that stirs up the questions and lights the curiosity inside a witness of someone around me.

So why then am I writing about it-essentially that is the same thing as talking about it, right? This is my goal. This is my list. Physical evidence; a reference for myself and those that I spend my time with to hold me accountable to. I have never been great at retaining information (thanks Mom)- heck if I didn't blog about my time in Ireland, I feel like I would have forgotten all about the things that kept me up laughing all night, or the hilarious stories that sound like someone probably made up. So this is for me.


xoxo

Most powerful experience I have had

Today, I was moved by Christ more than I ever have been. My mom and I attended together and I feel as though I honestly was alone with Jesus the entire time.

I don't know if it was because I have been looking for more of God in my life lately, missing him, feeling empty and in an overall slump or what; but today was the day I was supposed to find Solid Rock Faith Center. Jesus was speaking directly to me, and I heard his message loud and clear. I was overwhelmed with tears, a rapid heart rate and shaky hands. I felt so complete and so happy. This might all sound weird and dramatic, but today was something else. I have attended different church and worship services in the last few years and have never been broken down to tears. I have never felt compelled to go to the front of the room and just sit and pray in front of the crowd with others seeking his comfort and guidance.

I was silently praying for Christ to reach my Mom. Her heart and mind were open to him today and when I looked over and saw her tears at the end of my prayer, I knew today meant more than normal. Don't get me wrong, I thought I could feel His presence at all times-honest, I do. But today was different- its almost un-explainable. I can't put a feeling into words, but for the time being I will just encourage anyone to open your heart to Christ. If you feel compelled to attend a church service, help the needy or even pray-do so. The reward is immeasurable.

I pray so that Jesus can reform me. I am not perfect. I am not a "gooder." I do not want to try to reassure myself that my goods outweigh my bads so I will have a golden ticket when I meet God. I do not need to debate and argue with anyone. I do not need to prove to anyone how great my God is; I only need to prove to Christ that I am living to fulfill His original intent- not just by being a "gooder" but by freely loving, freely forgiving, freely taking the low post, taking the blame when the fault is not mine simply for the sake of reconciliation  When I struggle, which is often, I have prayed to God (and asking you all) to remind me and bring me back to the Word, as it is the only truth.

I am praying for reconciliation  restoration and to return to Christ. I need to be renewed. It was easy at first-very easy, and I fully understand that being a child of God is not a cake walk,  but it sure is worth every struggle.

Today was an eye-opener. Like I said, I have never felt His presence like I did today. I am so happy that I found a church and a Pastor that can hit me so hard like I did today. I don't go to church to be reminded about how amazing our God is, I go to be challenged. Today I was challenged, big time.