Friday, December 14, 2012
"Where is your God, now?"
So many people are asking, "Where is your God now?"
My God is suffering with everyone else. Suffering as he was on the cross. He loves us so much that he trusts us to make our own decisions; he gives us the chance to make decisions and show our faith. Are we given the freedoms to think on our own? Absolutely. Do a lot of us make poor choices? Every single day. And we are still surrounded by Him, even in the hardest of times? Our God is gracious, and always here. He welcomes us with open arms, but will not MAKE anyone trust or accept his graciousness.
MY God is with those fathers and mothers that will never see their children smile and laugh. He is sitting there as they weep over the unopened gifts under the tree, giving them the only comfort that will help. Holding them up and pushing them forward when we know that they want nothing more right now then to give up and be with their children. MY God is giving them the support and hope; he is building up the friendships and loyalties they take for granted everyday.
He is loving those innocent angels and reminding them it was not their fault; they did everything right and he is sending them to watch over their parents. He is letting their memories live on. MY God is trying to fix what satan has done. MY God is relentlessly caring for those that only want to blame him for the devil's work. His relentless love and pursuit of us is what we need to focus on instead of letting the blame game take over. It is SO MUCH EASIER to make a poor decision than the right one. Temptation is so much more appealing than the promise of what is yet to come; that is apparent every single day of our lives, and on days like today when the work of the devil is getting increasingly worse (or stronger), we still try to blame the one that died for us.
Where is your God?
We are not promised tomorrow. We are not deserving of a tomorrow. We are not entitled to a tomorrow. Tomorrow is too late. If you wan't to believe in a satan and refuse to live for God today, do not blame Him tomorrow when you are left without a golden ticket. You wouldn't blame a teacher for providing you all of the tools, resources, study material and their own time to offer guidance if you failed a class...but then again maybe you would....
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Gratitude
My family and I have had a lot of conversations lately. About everything. Church. Jesus. Mormonism. Christianity. Life. Faith. Tests. EVERYTHING. I love it. We recently found a church that really fits all of us I think. I am excited to see how God lives in us. How he moves us and how we grow together. Honestly, it was easy for me to "forget" Jesus and kind of put him to the back burner. I didn't want to be bold. I didn't want to take chances. I didn't want to make those around me feel uncomfortable, and in that I kind of stopped going to scripture. I stopped bowing my head and dinner and anywhere in public-eventually even when I was alone. But since having these conversations (almost daily) where Christ comes up with my family I realized that they are with me. They are learning just like I am. They are on this path with me. It has made it easier for me. But also reminded me that Jesus was not my priority. I had this made-up idea that my family was against God, against religion, against Christianity and against me - so I hid Him. I stopped. That is terrifying that it was that easy for me to do but I will grow from that. I am so thankful that we had a conversation about it as well. Christ used my Stepdad to slap me in the face (not literally) and ask me what the heck was going on. Why I was denying Jesus to myself and more importantly my family. Why I was hiding Him, and why in the world I even thought they were not on this path with me. He came to me and out of the conversation, I learned a lot; we learned a lot.
I, personally, am thankful for painful growth (that doesn't mean I am a fan of it!). I have prayed to God a lot lately. I wan't to be more like Him. I want to have patience, grace and an unending love for those I spend time with. Well, he took my thoughts and prayers literally (as he usually does) and is testing me. I discovered these last few weeks that I am terrible and have about zero tolerance, for a lot - But through my prayers and His little tests, I am aware of where I am lacking. I am aware that I have no idea how to "pick my battles" and I am thankful for these tests, because I have the opportunity to be better - to be more like Jesus. When I struggle with a personality I spend my time with or little annoyances I have to step back and realize they are nothing in comparison to what many deal with on a daily basis. Where would we be if Christ said, "these people are so annoying, get me off this cross, I changed my mind." "Father, I don't care if they know not what they do, they're obnoxious, and I am annoyed."
I have no idea how He did it, but for that He is my Savior. Obviously He was before but, now I admire Him for a different reason. I am reminded constantly of how great my God is, and that is kinda awesome to me.
I, personally, am thankful for painful growth (that doesn't mean I am a fan of it!). I have prayed to God a lot lately. I wan't to be more like Him. I want to have patience, grace and an unending love for those I spend time with. Well, he took my thoughts and prayers literally (as he usually does) and is testing me. I discovered these last few weeks that I am terrible and have about zero tolerance, for a lot - But through my prayers and His little tests, I am aware of where I am lacking. I am aware that I have no idea how to "pick my battles" and I am thankful for these tests, because I have the opportunity to be better - to be more like Jesus. When I struggle with a personality I spend my time with or little annoyances I have to step back and realize they are nothing in comparison to what many deal with on a daily basis. Where would we be if Christ said, "these people are so annoying, get me off this cross, I changed my mind." "Father, I don't care if they know not what they do, they're obnoxious, and I am annoyed."
I have no idea how He did it, but for that He is my Savior. Obviously He was before but, now I admire Him for a different reason. I am reminded constantly of how great my God is, and that is kinda awesome to me.
Daily, we are given opportunities (or obstacles) to be thankful for something. To learn about ourselves more and what we are here for. Why were we given life? Why do some feel superior to others? What makes me better than the next person? Why am I deserving? These are never easy questions to ask yourself, but when you try to answer (honestly) the lesson holds so much value and importance.
Alone, I am nothing. I am sarcastic, jealous, defensive and can't take a joke. With Christ, my hope is that I can be forgiving, I can smile when I feel put down, I can freely give grace to those around me and love without holding things against people.
Alone, I am nothing. I am sarcastic, jealous, defensive and can't take a joke. With Christ, my hope is that I can be forgiving, I can smile when I feel put down, I can freely give grace to those around me and love without holding things against people.
A life in Christ is not easy; as a race we are sinners, but we have already been forgiven. We are already loved. I am already saved. I have received all of this and now I want to show gratitude to my God. I do not have to earn anything, I already have been given the gift; I want the rest of my life on Earth to be spent writing my "thank you" letter.
Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness
Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness
Monday, November 19, 2012
Since yesterday, what might I be doing differently?
Nothing physically, but mentally I am not even at work, my thoughts are anywhere but in the physical reality. I have been sitting here reminding myself of all of God's gifts. I even sat down and wrote a letter to a complete stranger today. My letter was (I hope) uplifting, encouraging and a simple reminder that we are meant for more. We were born to be better. www.moreloveletters.com is one of my favorite websites (besides MaxPreps.com and Pinterest.com of course) right now. If you love to write, please share. It is fun, easy and totally anonymous - which is my favorite part! If you are like me and just wish you could take your own advice in many situations but just can't-write it down. Share your advice with a total stranger, it might be exactly what they needed.
But anywaysss..back to the point of my blog....
One of the most frustrating things for me is to see how see how distracted I have become and how hostile to God I have been since leaving NC with my wants and desires. Nothing has been centered around Christ, not even really bordering Christ. [[Please don't read into to that and make assumptions that I have been living irresponsibly or living a dark life- simply take that as I have just about opened my bible long enough to wipe the dust off and only prayed when I thought the world was ending because some silly boy didn't like me anymore <-- that part you can judge me for]]. But what is more frustrating is knowing that a lot of my loved ones don't know what I know. They don't know the love of Jesus like I do. This is extremely frustrating to me, because I know I can't convince them (I shouldn't have to), but because I know what my response and my reactions were when lovers of Jesus tried convincing me with their words and mini preaching lessons- I shut them out. Turned my shoulder, and my heart, AWAY from Christ. I had my guard up and was on the defense. Guess what though, this all excites me.
Wait a minute, I just finished saying I am frustrated, so why am I excited now? Because that means I have a challenge. I have accepted the challenge from my Savior to lead by my actions. [[This will come out cliche-but I don't really care]]. I want to lead by example. I want to not have to open my mouth except to love others around me. I have failed; I speak and think ill of others. I get jealous. I get insecure. I make excuses. I allow myself to think others are greater than me and that I am not worthy. This is all wrong. It is all very easy to do, and that is why I am accepting this bold challenge. I need everyone and anyone around me to hold me accountable. I will get defensive when I am failing-I know myself- but push me harder; don't let me get lazy.
To speak of Christ will only push people further away, to shove Him down the throats of others will not get the response I want. YES, I know that some people feel "called" to share the gospel in that way; to be aggressive about it and make sure they do their part and can check that off their list. I do not want to live by lists though. I need to flip my life back around. [[again, I am not doing anything illegal, I am not out cursing at strangers and causing ruckus in town; I am not killing anyone or stealing or really doing anything "bad" except neglecting Jesus-which is the worst of all-in my book]]. I am not vowing to not speak of Christ-duh. I am a girl, and girls can't shut up when they are in love. When a girl is giddy and excited, it is an unwritten code that everyone around them better expect to get tired of hearing story after story and dissecting each detail with them. So it is bound to happen; but I want to speak of him in a way that stirs up the questions and lights the curiosity inside a witness of someone around me.
So why then am I writing about it-essentially that is the same thing as talking about it, right? This is my goal. This is my list. Physical evidence; a reference for myself and those that I spend my time with to hold me accountable to. I have never been great at retaining information (thanks Mom)- heck if I didn't blog about my time in Ireland, I feel like I would have forgotten all about the things that kept me up laughing all night, or the hilarious stories that sound like someone probably made up. So this is for me.
xoxo
But anywaysss..back to the point of my blog....
One of the most frustrating things for me is to see how see how distracted I have become and how hostile to God I have been since leaving NC with my wants and desires. Nothing has been centered around Christ, not even really bordering Christ. [[Please don't read into to that and make assumptions that I have been living irresponsibly or living a dark life- simply take that as I have just about opened my bible long enough to wipe the dust off and only prayed when I thought the world was ending because some silly boy didn't like me anymore <-- that part you can judge me for]]. But what is more frustrating is knowing that a lot of my loved ones don't know what I know. They don't know the love of Jesus like I do. This is extremely frustrating to me, because I know I can't convince them (I shouldn't have to), but because I know what my response and my reactions were when lovers of Jesus tried convincing me with their words and mini preaching lessons- I shut them out. Turned my shoulder, and my heart, AWAY from Christ. I had my guard up and was on the defense. Guess what though, this all excites me.
Wait a minute, I just finished saying I am frustrated, so why am I excited now? Because that means I have a challenge. I have accepted the challenge from my Savior to lead by my actions. [[This will come out cliche-but I don't really care]]. I want to lead by example. I want to not have to open my mouth except to love others around me. I have failed; I speak and think ill of others. I get jealous. I get insecure. I make excuses. I allow myself to think others are greater than me and that I am not worthy. This is all wrong. It is all very easy to do, and that is why I am accepting this bold challenge. I need everyone and anyone around me to hold me accountable. I will get defensive when I am failing-I know myself- but push me harder; don't let me get lazy.
To speak of Christ will only push people further away, to shove Him down the throats of others will not get the response I want. YES, I know that some people feel "called" to share the gospel in that way; to be aggressive about it and make sure they do their part and can check that off their list. I do not want to live by lists though. I need to flip my life back around. [[again, I am not doing anything illegal, I am not out cursing at strangers and causing ruckus in town; I am not killing anyone or stealing or really doing anything "bad" except neglecting Jesus-which is the worst of all-in my book]]. I am not vowing to not speak of Christ-duh. I am a girl, and girls can't shut up when they are in love. When a girl is giddy and excited, it is an unwritten code that everyone around them better expect to get tired of hearing story after story and dissecting each detail with them. So it is bound to happen; but I want to speak of him in a way that stirs up the questions and lights the curiosity inside a witness of someone around me.
So why then am I writing about it-essentially that is the same thing as talking about it, right? This is my goal. This is my list. Physical evidence; a reference for myself and those that I spend my time with to hold me accountable to. I have never been great at retaining information (thanks Mom)- heck if I didn't blog about my time in Ireland, I feel like I would have forgotten all about the things that kept me up laughing all night, or the hilarious stories that sound like someone probably made up. So this is for me.
xoxo
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Most powerful experience I have had
Today, I was moved by Christ more than I ever have been. My mom and I attended together and I feel as though I honestly was alone with Jesus the entire time.
I don't know if it was because I have been looking for more of God in my life lately, missing him, feeling empty and in an overall slump or what; but today was the day I was supposed to find Solid Rock Faith Center. Jesus was speaking directly to me, and I heard his message loud and clear. I was overwhelmed with tears, a rapid heart rate and shaky hands. I felt so complete and so happy. This might all sound weird and dramatic, but today was something else. I have attended different church and worship services in the last few years and have never been broken down to tears. I have never felt compelled to go to the front of the room and just sit and pray in front of the crowd with others seeking his comfort and guidance.
I was silently praying for Christ to reach my Mom. Her heart and mind were open to him today and when I looked over and saw her tears at the end of my prayer, I knew today meant more than normal. Don't get me wrong, I thought I could feel His presence at all times-honest, I do. But today was different- its almost un-explainable. I can't put a feeling into words, but for the time being I will just encourage anyone to open your heart to Christ. If you feel compelled to attend a church service, help the needy or even pray-do so. The reward is immeasurable.
I pray so that Jesus can reform me. I am not perfect. I am not a "gooder." I do not want to try to reassure myself that my goods outweigh my bads so I will have a golden ticket when I meet God. I do not need to debate and argue with anyone. I do not need to prove to anyone how great my God is; I only need to prove to Christ that I am living to fulfill His original intent- not just by being a "gooder" but by freely loving, freely forgiving, freely taking the low post, taking the blame when the fault is not mine simply for the sake of reconciliation When I struggle, which is often, I have prayed to God (and asking you all) to remind me and bring me back to the Word, as it is the only truth.
I am praying for reconciliation restoration and to return to Christ. I need to be renewed. It was easy at first-very easy, and I fully understand that being a child of God is not a cake walk, but it sure is worth every struggle.
Today was an eye-opener. Like I said, I have never felt His presence like I did today. I am so happy that I found a church and a Pastor that can hit me so hard like I did today. I don't go to church to be reminded about how amazing our God is, I go to be challenged. Today I was challenged, big time.
I don't know if it was because I have been looking for more of God in my life lately, missing him, feeling empty and in an overall slump or what; but today was the day I was supposed to find Solid Rock Faith Center. Jesus was speaking directly to me, and I heard his message loud and clear. I was overwhelmed with tears, a rapid heart rate and shaky hands. I felt so complete and so happy. This might all sound weird and dramatic, but today was something else. I have attended different church and worship services in the last few years and have never been broken down to tears. I have never felt compelled to go to the front of the room and just sit and pray in front of the crowd with others seeking his comfort and guidance.
I was silently praying for Christ to reach my Mom. Her heart and mind were open to him today and when I looked over and saw her tears at the end of my prayer, I knew today meant more than normal. Don't get me wrong, I thought I could feel His presence at all times-honest, I do. But today was different- its almost un-explainable. I can't put a feeling into words, but for the time being I will just encourage anyone to open your heart to Christ. If you feel compelled to attend a church service, help the needy or even pray-do so. The reward is immeasurable.
I pray so that Jesus can reform me. I am not perfect. I am not a "gooder." I do not want to try to reassure myself that my goods outweigh my bads so I will have a golden ticket when I meet God. I do not need to debate and argue with anyone. I do not need to prove to anyone how great my God is; I only need to prove to Christ that I am living to fulfill His original intent- not just by being a "gooder" but by freely loving, freely forgiving, freely taking the low post, taking the blame when the fault is not mine simply for the sake of reconciliation When I struggle, which is often, I have prayed to God (and asking you all) to remind me and bring me back to the Word, as it is the only truth.
I am praying for reconciliation restoration and to return to Christ. I need to be renewed. It was easy at first-very easy, and I fully understand that being a child of God is not a cake walk, but it sure is worth every struggle.
Today was an eye-opener. Like I said, I have never felt His presence like I did today. I am so happy that I found a church and a Pastor that can hit me so hard like I did today. I don't go to church to be reminded about how amazing our God is, I go to be challenged. Today I was challenged, big time.
Monday, March 12, 2012
My passion in this life
I have always struggled with having confidence in myself. For as far back as I can remember I always second guessed myself, my decisions, the clothes I wore, how I did my hair and even what friends I chose to spend my time with. If I thought I had decided something with my own interest in mind, I immediately changed my mind if someone close to me gave me an opinion that was different than my own. Sad, huh? Even though I always thought I had a good grasp on who I was as an individual, I was really just someone that was trying to please everyone, all the time. I was lost.
When I went to Ireland it was my goal to re-create myself. Nobody there knew who I was and that I was this second-guessing, insecure individual. There was nothing for me to re-create, but rather finally accept who I was, and stop putting others above me. Apparently I accomplished being "me" while I was there because on numerous occasions my best friends said that they wished that they had my confident, outgoing and determined personality. When I revealed to them that very few people actually know the real me and that I had been the pushover or the butt of jokes and very insecure they laughed and said no way. They simply could not fathom that I did not know who I was or what I wanted in life.
When I went to Ireland it was my goal to re-create myself. Nobody there knew who I was and that I was this second-guessing, insecure individual. There was nothing for me to re-create, but rather finally accept who I was, and stop putting others above me. Apparently I accomplished being "me" while I was there because on numerous occasions my best friends said that they wished that they had my confident, outgoing and determined personality. When I revealed to them that very few people actually know the real me and that I had been the pushover or the butt of jokes and very insecure they laughed and said no way. They simply could not fathom that I did not know who I was or what I wanted in life.
There are still only a few people that actually know the real me, and I have myself to blame for that. It has only made me realize how much more complete I am in Jesus. Before, I would feel stupid if I spoke my mind or chose to do something that might not have been the same thing that my friends or family would have done. I always looked to others to make my decisions for me because I lacked confidence in my decision-making ability. [this does not apply to big issues concerning ethics or life decisions-but silly things like what guy was cutest, or who the best band was]- I hope that a lot of that was influenced by my age as well.....
After entering into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ I have realized that those earthly things have no value. Yes, I guess they will 'kinda' matter for my next 60-70 years on earth [that’s a stretch to even write], but what value do they really hold? I am not going to stand before God and say that my favorite band was the most popular or that I crushed on the most popular/cutest guy or hung out with the 'cool girls' and therefore I deserve to be with Him for eternity...He sent his only Son to die on the cross for my sins, there is no way I can present myself, as a Christian, before Him and say that in my life on earth I 'fit in' and expect Him to say "Well, come on in Taylor! Great job, you did exactly what I created you for!"
After entering into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ I have realized that those earthly things have no value. Yes, I guess they will 'kinda' matter for my next 60-70 years on earth [that’s a stretch to even write], but what value do they really hold? I am not going to stand before God and say that my favorite band was the most popular or that I crushed on the most popular/cutest guy or hung out with the 'cool girls' and therefore I deserve to be with Him for eternity...He sent his only Son to die on the cross for my sins, there is no way I can present myself, as a Christian, before Him and say that in my life on earth I 'fit in' and expect Him to say "Well, come on in Taylor! Great job, you did exactly what I created you for!"
I realized that in order to truly be myself, I must be faithful to God- all day, every day. I must remain firm in my faith until I personally meet Him. When I say must remain firm, it sounds as if it is a rule I MUST follow...instead I want you to read that as me wanting to remain firm in my faith. I want to be obedient, I want to glorify God, and I want to reflect what Christ is- not to make myself look good- but to make Him look great. I am realizing that every waking moment I have I want to devote to Christ. Obviously, for me right now that means that I want to know Him more. I am reading every extra second I get. I read scripture, books, multiple apps, random tweets and blogs; I listen to podcasts online and find that I have to stop myself so that I can start some homework or do laundry and even eat. This is not to brag and say “look what I am doing- go me.” But I am saying “go God!” He is making me feel so alive, and I cannot get enough.
This, I am choosing to do- on my own. Well, the Holy Spirit is within me and is giving me this passion and is leading me closer to God every minute. I am confident in my decisions to do this, even if someone was to tell me that they don't think it is a good idea. I am confident in my faith and having faith is being confident in God. Even when things are not going exactly how I want them to be going, He gave me this life and is having me do things to delight in Him and fully display His glory. Everything that is happening is to live out His plan for me in this world.
This, I am choosing to do- on my own. Well, the Holy Spirit is within me and is giving me this passion and is leading me closer to God every minute. I am confident in my decisions to do this, even if someone was to tell me that they don't think it is a good idea. I am confident in my faith and having faith is being confident in God. Even when things are not going exactly how I want them to be going, He gave me this life and is having me do things to delight in Him and fully display His glory. Everything that is happening is to live out His plan for me in this world.
This is not always easy or obvious to me as to why I am not given things that I desire, but my faith tells me that it is the right thing and that I must be patient to find out why. I trust in His plan; He supplies strength through faith in His promises. I know that He wants me to be happy; therefore I must seek happiness in Him and not in my own selfish wants. My confidence is in God or who I am in Christ, and not in my fleshy self. He has given me this life, and I owe it to Him to live it how He has planned. I have received the gift of life, who would I be if I selfishly lived it for myself without ever thanking Him and trying to repay Him? Not a true Christian.
I recently read a book titled Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, and it really smacked me in the face in terms of how I have been living for 21 years. I was never fully alive, or aware of my existence. I have been going through the motions, living day to day doing generally the same things each day but with no purpose or gratitude really. Piper says that a wasted life is a life without a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples. I had no passion before. Yes I enjoy raising animals and playing volleyball but I did not wake up thinking of these hobbies and read non-stop about them. I did not feel volleyball was determining every decision I made. I did not do things to glorify the game of volleyball. It was a hobby, I felt very interested in and enjoyed spending my time doing, but I would not go as far as saying that it was a passion. I can only say that because I have a real passion now. I desire that my life will count for something great, I want to have eternal significance; I want to make knowing and enjoying God the passionate pursuit of my life. His value is far greater than anything in this life.
In Piper's book he writes about taking risks in life. A lot of people are afraid of taking risks, obviously, they are risky- but when you trust in God, risk is right. When you take risks for the sake of His name, He gives us the strength to lose face because He promises to lift up face in the end. When we take risks for sake of Christ, it reflects His value and our faith in His care and His care for us is greater than our value. I mentioned above that I was always trying to please people and 'fit in', I want to please God. He has given me life and whatever He wills, I will do. I will take faith-filled risks, even if that goes against everything I always have tried to do, even if that means I will not 'fit in'.
Piper asks great questions in his book that I hope to ask myself in every action or decision I make... How will this help me treasure Christ more? How will this help me know Christ or display Christ? How can I portray God as glorious in this action? I am pretty sure I will feel silly if I am stressing over what to wear and ask myself these questions...to quote Rascal Flatts "There are things that matter, and things that don't."
Piper asks great questions in his book that I hope to ask myself in every action or decision I make... How will this help me treasure Christ more? How will this help me know Christ or display Christ? How can I portray God as glorious in this action? I am pretty sure I will feel silly if I am stressing over what to wear and ask myself these questions...to quote Rascal Flatts "There are things that matter, and things that don't."
I do not want to waste my life anymore; I have been given new life. I have been united with Christ through faith and I do not want disappoint my Creator. I don't want to stop halfway through, but it is going to take great faith and courage to finish; but I will do things confidently and remain confident after I do them, for confidence is faith, and my faith is in Him. I am going to be bold, and not feel condemned, for those who suffer from condemnation usually don’t believe they hear from God (Joyce Meyer). Everyone makes mistakes (I am not silly enough to think I won’t make mistakes), insecure people won't try again, but bold people will try until they learn to do it right.
God's righteousness has been provided for us, there is no need to feel self-righteous-for none of us will ever be perfect.
<3
God's righteousness has been provided for us, there is no need to feel self-righteous-for none of us will ever be perfect.
<3
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Something to think about...
Have you ever wondered why things happen the way they do? I do this on a daily basis and it wasn't until recently that I became aware of how often I actually think about why things happen one way instead of another…
Have you ever hoped for something to happen and it did (positive or negative), and you chalked it up to a coincidence? What about the next time it happened...Still just random?
Our mind is a powerful thing...
What do you allow your mind to focus on? How often do you day-dream? Where do your thoughts wander? How do you react in certain situations? Do you think about your reactions, or are they immediate?
These are all interesting questions to ask ourselves, and I am going to assume that you have rarely ever let yourself think about what you think about, and why you think about it. [go ahead, read that again, slowly…] I sure didn't - until recently.
It is important to take an inventory of our thoughts...seriously though. Think about that. We take inventory at work; why not take inventory in our personal lives to see what we have that we shouldn’t, and what we are missing.
Take the time this week to inventory your thoughts.
Write your discoveries down so that you don't forget what you have allowed into your mind.
At the end of this week evaluate your thoughts...are you proud? What do you recognize- any patterns? What thoughts stand out or consume most of your time/thoughts? How do you react- is there a direct parallel between your thoughts and your reactions? Most importantly, are your thoughts mostly positive or negative?
An honest inventory of your thoughts will help you to understand why you are not receiving what you desire. Maybe your thoughts are not focused on what you truly desire, but on the exact opposite…
It is very important to know what you allow yourself to focus on.
“Faith is evidence of things hoped for but not seen”
Growing up I constantly heard people saying “I must see it to believe it”…when actually I think “We must believe in order to see.”
If you think that you must see it in order to believe, but your thoughts are driven by a negative force majority of the time, you may miss what you were looking for in the first place---But if you have belief in the good and glorious, you are going to see things that reflect that.
In order to receive anything- you must first believe… and we all believe in something- whether you buy into that or not- and we can receive from Satan or we can receive from God. Don’t open your mind for negative thoughts to move into. You have two choices - you can believe in the bad/negative, or you can believe in the good/positive…What’s it going to be?
I am challenging you to start believing in good things. It doesn’t cost you anything, and you will notice a huge difference in how you see the world, and how people may see you. What can you gain by living with a negative mindset?
When we believe something we receive it into our heart-I know that I want my heart to be filled with pure, good and glorious things. I do not want my heart to be filled with deception, lies and hatred. Our hearts are precious and should be protected from negative and evil things.
Jeep Gramma asked me yesterday, “Well, why do bad things happen to good people, Tay?” That depends on who you are letting define what makes a “good person.” Your definition of a good person may vary drastically from God’s definition.
Try to remember that there is a plan for each of us. Each time we encounter a problem or are being tested, there is a lesson to be learned…try to find out the significance and grow as an individual as a result. Keep your mind positive….
<3
Have you ever hoped for something to happen and it did (positive or negative), and you chalked it up to a coincidence? What about the next time it happened...Still just random?
Our mind is a powerful thing...
What do you allow your mind to focus on? How often do you day-dream? Where do your thoughts wander? How do you react in certain situations? Do you think about your reactions, or are they immediate?
These are all interesting questions to ask ourselves, and I am going to assume that you have rarely ever let yourself think about what you think about, and why you think about it. [go ahead, read that again, slowly…] I sure didn't - until recently.
It is important to take an inventory of our thoughts...seriously though. Think about that. We take inventory at work; why not take inventory in our personal lives to see what we have that we shouldn’t, and what we are missing.
Take the time this week to inventory your thoughts.
Write your discoveries down so that you don't forget what you have allowed into your mind.
At the end of this week evaluate your thoughts...are you proud? What do you recognize- any patterns? What thoughts stand out or consume most of your time/thoughts? How do you react- is there a direct parallel between your thoughts and your reactions? Most importantly, are your thoughts mostly positive or negative?
An honest inventory of your thoughts will help you to understand why you are not receiving what you desire. Maybe your thoughts are not focused on what you truly desire, but on the exact opposite…
It is very important to know what you allow yourself to focus on.
“Faith is evidence of things hoped for but not seen”
Growing up I constantly heard people saying “I must see it to believe it”…when actually I think “We must believe in order to see.”
If you think that you must see it in order to believe, but your thoughts are driven by a negative force majority of the time, you may miss what you were looking for in the first place---But if you have belief in the good and glorious, you are going to see things that reflect that.
In order to receive anything- you must first believe… and we all believe in something- whether you buy into that or not- and we can receive from Satan or we can receive from God. Don’t open your mind for negative thoughts to move into. You have two choices - you can believe in the bad/negative, or you can believe in the good/positive…What’s it going to be?
I am challenging you to start believing in good things. It doesn’t cost you anything, and you will notice a huge difference in how you see the world, and how people may see you. What can you gain by living with a negative mindset?
When we believe something we receive it into our heart-I know that I want my heart to be filled with pure, good and glorious things. I do not want my heart to be filled with deception, lies and hatred. Our hearts are precious and should be protected from negative and evil things.
Jeep Gramma asked me yesterday, “Well, why do bad things happen to good people, Tay?” That depends on who you are letting define what makes a “good person.” Your definition of a good person may vary drastically from God’s definition.
Try to remember that there is a plan for each of us. Each time we encounter a problem or are being tested, there is a lesson to be learned…try to find out the significance and grow as an individual as a result. Keep your mind positive….
<3
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Longest entry in the history of blogging
As promised, here is my story :] If you don’t want to read babbling and too much of typical Taylor story-telling, I would skip this blog entry….Fair Warning.
Where to even start with this 'religion' thing...Hmm, I can start at the beginning of my journey I guess. God started communicating with me in high school when he introduced me to the "God Squad" at school. You see, I was in a very large 'clique' of friends; we were known as the 'jocks' the 'popular kids' the 'preps', 'goodie-goodies' and 'God Squad.' I would say there were about 35 of us made up of soccer, volleyball, baseball, football and basketball players. I was close with each of the individual groups within our main posse...the 'God Squad' was one of them. I got along with the girls and guys very well, but I always felt a little different because I had not met Christ (and had never been in a church-besides a wedding or two); one day I told my buddy, Max that I believe in God, and didn’t think I had to go to church to prove it. He helped me to "accept God into my life" with a little prayer session in the quad at Union Mine. I felt the same as I did the 5 minutes before this went down.
That's because He doesn't work like that. God chooses when he will enter our lives, and even though I was convinced I was ready to receive his grace and mercy as a junior in high school, I was very wrong. I realized this when I toured Westmont College in Santa Barbara with my Jeep Gramma and Mom. We went and met the volleyball coach and watched them play a match... I knew it was a Christian college but I found it very odd that after the match the team circled up in the center of the court and prayed together. Then they yelled "for Him!"... I looked around the gym for a coach or guest before finally looking at mamadukes and saying, "For who? Who are they talking about?".... Oh dear...
Needless to say, I did NOT attend Westmont. I did end up at Guilford College. A Liberal Arts (aka. WRITING INTENSIVE) College established on Quaker values....Sounds like me, right? No. --But they were giving the most financial aid, I had a good shot of being able to play vb (yes, I told Coach I was 5'1 before I committed) and it was a gorgeous campus. It felt right when I toured it. Well, Guilford is in Greensboro, North Carolina....located in the ''bible belt''...This was God's way of moving me closer to very important people in my life...without throwing me to the wolves at Westmont.
Upon my arrival at Guilford, mom and I met a guy, Gabriel. He and his roommate Justin were the first two of my most important people I met here. They came from families that could regularly be found in church on Sundays. They each had a bible by their bedsides in their dorms, and it was 'cute' to me. Then I met Shelby, she lived a few doors down from me in my freshman dorm, bible by the bed, crosses on the wall bible verses written in different colors all over the room... One of the sweetest, most caring girls I have met. [I want to make clear, I am not going into detail about all of these special people to me...just trying to give you a sense of who I was introduced to]. With my financial aid, Guilford offered me work study. I applied for a few jobs, got two and God (secretly) had me decide to work with the sports information director, Mr. Dave Walters as a sports info assistant. Dave and his wife, Christine (and his whole family) are VERY involved members at his (our?) Church.
My freshman year, I went home with Shelby for Easter, and we went to Church. I felt as though I could have been the only person in the entire church. The pastor was talking directly at me. I felt very uncomfortable. This happened every single time I attended church. I think my friends and I went about 4 or 5 times over the years, and I had the same feeling. I kept fighting God. He was trying to communicate with me and I was pushing Him away and intentionally ignoring Him. I did not want to "buy into" this whole religion thing. I saw my peers (not previously mentioned) who were "Christians" out drinking all the time and sleeping with different guys and cheating and basically committing every sin besides killing a human being. I thought that I did not want to be a "Christian" if that is what it was like. My theory was that I could be a good person and make the right decisions on my own without a church and posting bible verses on Sundays after coming home from church with a hangover. This is when I would remember that I had “accepted God into my life” in high school, and figured I was saved as far as I was concerned.
I struggled between my freshman and sophomore year with “knowing” who I was and trying to accept my friends (and their behaviors/decisions) for who they were. I really was having a hard time accepting a lot of things. The timing could not have been more perfect for my prom date Jordan (from high school) to call me (after a year and some odd months of not talking really but the casual hey-hi-how are yous)- he said, “Tay, I was thinking about you and I have something for you. I really think what I have will help you...what’s your address etc”
... I received a package and inside was a mini pocket bible.... I hate to admit it, but I thought it was kind of weird, but Jordan is one of the most genuine men I have ever met and I thought the world of him for thinking of me. I started opening my ‘baby bible’ at random to find what Jesus said about 'fake Christians’ in efforts to try to selfishly prove my point when faced with certain situations that I was letting get to me. Satan was really leading my decisions and thoughts my sophomore year. I was being an ugly individual, and it was having a clear effect on my friendships and especially my relationship with my family, more specifically my sister. I had no tolerance, no patience and was very negative in nature. Nothing was good enough; I could not see the positives in most situations and was very lost. I was feeling very entitled.
I became hard-hearted. My heart was like a stone in a sense. Not to everyone or everything, but specifically towards religion, and unfairly towards Jesus. My boss, Dave, continuously tried to encourage me to go to church with him. He offered his advice and/or just an ear to listen and I turned it down, time and time again. I went through a phase where I did not look forward to going into work, because I did not want to talk about religion or Jesus or anything remotely related. I had had enough. God told Dave to back off, though his intentions were right, he was being called to share the Gospel with me and bring me closer to God, it just was not in a way that I was ready for. God recognized that I was starting to distance myself [emotionally] from Dave, and knew that pushing Dave away was worse than me not accepting Jesus as my savior at that point in my life. God was not through with trying to get my attention, but he gave me a break.
During this time, I regained my own curiosity and started to pick up the bible every once in a while. I even asked Shelby to maybe write down her favorite bible verses for me to read. Before I went abroad to Ireland, Shelby gave me one of the greatest Christmas presents I have been given. [I didn’t understand at the time though] She gave me a bible and very personal heart-felt letter. This bible is HUGE...it has everything in it. In the margins there are present day examples and stories/lessons/quotes and summaries of what is found in the Word. There are plans to follow, topics of interest and the corresponding scripture (ie. If you are feeling tempted see
1 Corinthians 10:13 ..etc). Her letter was very touching and I appreciated it so much. She also gave me a cd with songs on it that had touched her and she gave a description of each song and how she interpreted it and how she relates it to God and her life.
Off to Ireland I went, I left the bible from Shelby at home, but brought my baby bible from Jordan with me. In Ireland, I met one of the most influential, inspiring and important people I will ever meet in my life, Rachel. She is the Godliest woman I know at this point in my life [and still today]. This girl, she is my super twin, there are not enough kind words to describe her, but she is a living example of a real Christian. The first I have met. I mean that not to put down others I met, but Rachel is a walking, breathing, living example of someone that is overflowing with God’s love. She cannot keep it in, even if she wanted to.
When Rachel talks she-without noticing- thanks God every time, she praises him, shares the Gospel and exudes His grace without being over-powering, pushy or annoying about it. She is consistent with everything she does; her thoughts, actions and words are all consistent with each other. If she read this right now she would tell me to shut up-she just can’t see how inspiring she is because she doesn’t try, she has successfully received his Grace like so many try to do…her ‘who’ determines her ‘do’- Rachel knows who she is in Christ and therefore does the right things and makes the right decisions for the right reasons. Rachel was very patient with God and did not try to force their relationship, that is probably why she has received His grace so successfully.
God knew that I needed proof of His existence, of His will and graciousness, and He introduced me to Rachel. Not one time did she have to ask me anything about my religion, relationship with Jesus or anything at all. I yearned to know more when I was around her. I wanted to be like her. This just proved to me more that I was trying to force it. By wanting to be someone other than who God made me was one of the many strikes I had against me.
It was about this time in Ireland that I wanted to figure out who Taylor was; I underwent a natural change or sudden awareness of who I was, who I wanted to be and how to combine the two so that there was no difference. I blogged multiple times about my ‘finding myself’and it became a recurring theme…God let Dave interact with me again, in a subtle way, to remind me of how much he cares. Dave sent me a package containing a CD (among many other things) by Jason Castro titled “Who I Am.” God is constantly carrying out meticulous details in our “little picture” that may not make sense at the time, but play a huge part in our “big picture.” He plans everything perfectly so that nothing is by chance. This was one of those moments.
I told you it was long, but I promise, I stop ignoring God here soon!
In November, Dave and I had a two hour long conversation about how God is trying to reach me. I told him that I have this overwhelming feeling that something big was going to happen in my life, I was thinking more about worldly things such as a getting a job offer or a car! In our conversation the only thing I took away from it was that he said I was a failure because I had not been saved. This irked me. [Please know that there was a lot said, and everything was positive, I just had selective hearing I guess and took one little thing and focused on the negative] I got defensive and immediately thought, I am not a failure. I even told him that I disagreed with his opinion. I informed him that I am a good person; I make good decisions and do not mess up etc. Strike whatever I am at now. I was stone-hearted again.I was blocking God out. Dave invited another important person in my life to the office, Sarah. He prayed for me and told Sarah I should come to bible study. He gave her coupons for us to go get some fro-yo together, his treat. We parted ways and I had hw to do and had no desire to enter into a situation to “interact with God” as he had worded it in his prayer for me. I did not text Sarah to go get fro-yo.
God backed off again, but Satan stepped in. I was invited to church that Sunday and then to lunch at Dave’s afterwards with the rest of the Sports info assistants. Well, as Satan would have it, I was DD the night before and left my phone in the car I drove, which was parked on the other side of campus. The phone had my alarm set to actually go to church. -- I am an early riser, 9 out of 10 days I will beat my alarm and be wide awake -- as you can imagine, this particular Sunday I slept in. Once I got my phone I realized I had missed church and lunch...
Just after getting back from Christmas break I met another very important person in my life. We began to get to know each other, and I had some hopes that it may lead to something more. That was until he said that he devoted his life to Christ and that is what he desires. He said that my heart is not in the right place because I do not love and desire Christ more than him. Automatically, I heard that I was not good enough, and not worth a shot. So- as God created me- I was going to prove this guy wrong. I decided that I would read the bible cover to cover if that was all that was preventing the two of us from progressing. Strike infinity. I am surprised I wasn’t struck by lightning. Instead I was struck by His light. In my readings I found that I wanted to open my heart to Christ. I was sitting in bed reading the bible night after night. I changed my radio station to the Christian station that plays in Greensboro, K-Love. I was not doing it anymore so that this man had no other excuses to pass me up. He wasn’t in my thoughts anymore when I was reading scripture, or praying, out loud-by myself-in my room (yup, still the same Taylor- I promise). He was not in my room to hear that I had the radio station switched. I do not post statuses on Facebook to brag, and we do not follow one another on Twitter, so he had no idea that I was actually enjoying this and hearing what God was trying to tell me all along. This guy doesn’t see my notebook of questions and notes and verses that I write down either.
While my initial reasons were entirely wrong and selfish, God had to get my attention somehow. I am kind of embarrassed that is the way in which He had to do it, but I am so glad He did. It has been a long courtship, but He finally got my attention. I have finally asked Christ into my heart. I have welcomed Him in and have put all of my trust in Him and His plan for me. I am somewhere on the path of righteous, not sure where, but I know that I am surely on it, and moving forward. His love for me is so great. It is more than I could fathom, and it truly is something you have to personally experience. It is hard to put into words; because it is more than just words, it is a feeling.
I mentioned earlier that Shelby gave me a gift. I have finally received it. I had her re-send me her letter the other day, and I teared up reading it, something that did not happen the first time. She gave me a gift, but I had yet to truly receive it until I read it again and fully understood and was able to hear what she was saying, how much she cares and the thought she put into it. I interpret the verses and songs so much differently now than I did just over a year ago. God has been trying to give me a gift for years now also, and I just wasn’t receiving it. I am receiving God’s grace, I am feeling his love from the very first second I wake up until I finish my prayer before I fall asleep.
I am not saying this happened over night, by no means is that the case. Let’s be real, I was practically in tears the first Sunday I decided I was going to church. I was a panicky mess. I was feeling so insecure and worried that I would have this special glow or something at church that would let everyone know that it was my first time and that I still truly did not believe. Church that Sunday was about embracing humility. Fitting. 100% what I needed to hear. In church that Sunday and the following one I felt that familiar feeling that I could have been the only person there. I was feeling so convicted. I even attended a Sunday school session (Dave’s father taught the lesson) and even though I was a nervous wreck before that, I found that I enjoyed it and learned so much.
At this point I can say that I have a long way to go, I am enjoying the glory I am in now and recognizing that I am not as mature in my faith as those around me but that none of my impatience will rush God. He works in a special way for each of us. I am trusting in His plan. Heck, He knows that I am a newbie, and I don’t feel pressure from Him to change overnight and therefore should not be feeling pressure from anyone around me, or from myself either. I know that I need change, and I want to change. I honestly can see and feel God changing me daily, but for the time being I will not reject myself, for He accepts me. I will accept who I am right now and know that I will not always remain this way. I know God created me, and He sure does love me.
I know that I will never be perfect and because of this, I will not get discouraged when God convicts me of areas where I need improvement. I want and need to walk in the reality of truth. I am going to mess up, I am going to sin and I am going to be weak, but God has taken my wrongness and given me his righteousness. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with me, I am focusing on what is right in Jesus so that I can overcome my weaknesses and grow. During each trial, I know that I will learn something that will help me in my future, or better understand my past.
My confidence is not meant to be in myself but in Christ so that when God is moving into my life and interacting with me I can believe that He will equip me with what I need and when I need it. I am working on trusting God fully in order to become the strongest I can spiritually. God has a plan for my life. I have been given gifts and talents by Him and I intend to use them to help others and fulfill my destiny.
My biggest struggle is being patient with Him. By nature, I want answers. I have never been good with just waiting and the unknown freaked me out, although this is not solved, I have confidence that He has my heart in mind, and He knows how to guard my heart. He will not intentionally hurt me, but if I try to take over and make my own plans, He will keep me in check by introducing me to people that may hurt me; while this is a sucky way for him to teach me, any parent will do what it takes to discipline their children when they do not listen.
These kind of remind me not to get too anxious and just let Him work:
“patience is not the ability to wait, it is the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting”
“we may not always know, but we can be satisfied to know the one that knows”
There are so many more, but I need to cut myself off from writing. My goal right now is to put my dependence on who I am in Christ rather than on what I do. My “do” should be to believe. If I can accomplish this, my actions will reflect it. Not only will it become second-nature to live my life as Christ did, but I will want to do these good works for the right reasons, and not for attention or selfish motives. I have to be bold and obedient in order to be led by the Holy Spirit, and I need to have self-discipline and most importantly patience. I can’t expect to pass into the next degree of Glory until I enjoy the one I am in at this very moment.
I do recognize that I would not be where I am today, and would not have made any progress at all if it were not for every single person I have met in my life even all of the fake Christians that have helped me to really understand the true definition of a Christian-which I can only have faith and pray that I can become. You have all helped me to become who I am today, and for that I am so thankful. Initially I intended to add a lot more important people I have met here, but there are more blogs to come!
Oh and don’t worry, I am still ‘that girl’… Friday night was my first time attending the Women’s Bible Study here at Guilford with Sarah and a few other athletes on campus. For starters, I showed up at the wrong room, in the wrong building. Then, when I finally found the right room, I realized I left my bible in my room. Way to gooooo, not having a bible and bible study!!! God is changing me daily, but apparently He still wants me to be a dork.
<3
Where to even start with this 'religion' thing...Hmm, I can start at the beginning of my journey I guess. God started communicating with me in high school when he introduced me to the "God Squad" at school. You see, I was in a very large 'clique' of friends; we were known as the 'jocks' the 'popular kids' the 'preps', 'goodie-goodies' and 'God Squad.' I would say there were about 35 of us made up of soccer, volleyball, baseball, football and basketball players. I was close with each of the individual groups within our main posse...the 'God Squad' was one of them. I got along with the girls and guys very well, but I always felt a little different because I had not met Christ (and had never been in a church-besides a wedding or two); one day I told my buddy, Max that I believe in God, and didn’t think I had to go to church to prove it. He helped me to "accept God into my life" with a little prayer session in the quad at Union Mine. I felt the same as I did the 5 minutes before this went down.
That's because He doesn't work like that. God chooses when he will enter our lives, and even though I was convinced I was ready to receive his grace and mercy as a junior in high school, I was very wrong. I realized this when I toured Westmont College in Santa Barbara with my Jeep Gramma and Mom. We went and met the volleyball coach and watched them play a match... I knew it was a Christian college but I found it very odd that after the match the team circled up in the center of the court and prayed together. Then they yelled "for Him!"... I looked around the gym for a coach or guest before finally looking at mamadukes and saying, "For who? Who are they talking about?".... Oh dear...
Needless to say, I did NOT attend Westmont. I did end up at Guilford College. A Liberal Arts (aka. WRITING INTENSIVE) College established on Quaker values....Sounds like me, right? No. --But they were giving the most financial aid, I had a good shot of being able to play vb (yes, I told Coach I was 5'1 before I committed) and it was a gorgeous campus. It felt right when I toured it. Well, Guilford is in Greensboro, North Carolina....located in the ''bible belt''...This was God's way of moving me closer to very important people in my life...without throwing me to the wolves at Westmont.
Upon my arrival at Guilford, mom and I met a guy, Gabriel. He and his roommate Justin were the first two of my most important people I met here. They came from families that could regularly be found in church on Sundays. They each had a bible by their bedsides in their dorms, and it was 'cute' to me. Then I met Shelby, she lived a few doors down from me in my freshman dorm, bible by the bed, crosses on the wall bible verses written in different colors all over the room... One of the sweetest, most caring girls I have met. [I want to make clear, I am not going into detail about all of these special people to me...just trying to give you a sense of who I was introduced to]. With my financial aid, Guilford offered me work study. I applied for a few jobs, got two and God (secretly) had me decide to work with the sports information director, Mr. Dave Walters as a sports info assistant. Dave and his wife, Christine (and his whole family) are VERY involved members at his (our?) Church.
My freshman year, I went home with Shelby for Easter, and we went to Church. I felt as though I could have been the only person in the entire church. The pastor was talking directly at me. I felt very uncomfortable. This happened every single time I attended church. I think my friends and I went about 4 or 5 times over the years, and I had the same feeling. I kept fighting God. He was trying to communicate with me and I was pushing Him away and intentionally ignoring Him. I did not want to "buy into" this whole religion thing. I saw my peers (not previously mentioned) who were "Christians" out drinking all the time and sleeping with different guys and cheating and basically committing every sin besides killing a human being. I thought that I did not want to be a "Christian" if that is what it was like. My theory was that I could be a good person and make the right decisions on my own without a church and posting bible verses on Sundays after coming home from church with a hangover. This is when I would remember that I had “accepted God into my life” in high school, and figured I was saved as far as I was concerned.
I struggled between my freshman and sophomore year with “knowing” who I was and trying to accept my friends (and their behaviors/decisions) for who they were. I really was having a hard time accepting a lot of things. The timing could not have been more perfect for my prom date Jordan (from high school) to call me (after a year and some odd months of not talking really but the casual hey-hi-how are yous)- he said, “Tay, I was thinking about you and I have something for you. I really think what I have will help you...what’s your address etc”
... I received a package and inside was a mini pocket bible.... I hate to admit it, but I thought it was kind of weird, but Jordan is one of the most genuine men I have ever met and I thought the world of him for thinking of me. I started opening my ‘baby bible’ at random to find what Jesus said about 'fake Christians’ in efforts to try to selfishly prove my point when faced with certain situations that I was letting get to me. Satan was really leading my decisions and thoughts my sophomore year. I was being an ugly individual, and it was having a clear effect on my friendships and especially my relationship with my family, more specifically my sister. I had no tolerance, no patience and was very negative in nature. Nothing was good enough; I could not see the positives in most situations and was very lost. I was feeling very entitled.
I became hard-hearted. My heart was like a stone in a sense. Not to everyone or everything, but specifically towards religion, and unfairly towards Jesus. My boss, Dave, continuously tried to encourage me to go to church with him. He offered his advice and/or just an ear to listen and I turned it down, time and time again. I went through a phase where I did not look forward to going into work, because I did not want to talk about religion or Jesus or anything remotely related. I had had enough. God told Dave to back off, though his intentions were right, he was being called to share the Gospel with me and bring me closer to God, it just was not in a way that I was ready for. God recognized that I was starting to distance myself [emotionally] from Dave, and knew that pushing Dave away was worse than me not accepting Jesus as my savior at that point in my life. God was not through with trying to get my attention, but he gave me a break.
During this time, I regained my own curiosity and started to pick up the bible every once in a while. I even asked Shelby to maybe write down her favorite bible verses for me to read. Before I went abroad to Ireland, Shelby gave me one of the greatest Christmas presents I have been given. [I didn’t understand at the time though] She gave me a bible and very personal heart-felt letter. This bible is HUGE...it has everything in it. In the margins there are present day examples and stories/lessons/quotes and summaries of what is found in the Word. There are plans to follow, topics of interest and the corresponding scripture (ie. If you are feeling tempted see
1 Corinthians 10:13 ..etc). Her letter was very touching and I appreciated it so much. She also gave me a cd with songs on it that had touched her and she gave a description of each song and how she interpreted it and how she relates it to God and her life.
Off to Ireland I went, I left the bible from Shelby at home, but brought my baby bible from Jordan with me. In Ireland, I met one of the most influential, inspiring and important people I will ever meet in my life, Rachel. She is the Godliest woman I know at this point in my life [and still today]. This girl, she is my super twin, there are not enough kind words to describe her, but she is a living example of a real Christian. The first I have met. I mean that not to put down others I met, but Rachel is a walking, breathing, living example of someone that is overflowing with God’s love. She cannot keep it in, even if she wanted to.
When Rachel talks she-without noticing- thanks God every time, she praises him, shares the Gospel and exudes His grace without being over-powering, pushy or annoying about it. She is consistent with everything she does; her thoughts, actions and words are all consistent with each other. If she read this right now she would tell me to shut up-she just can’t see how inspiring she is because she doesn’t try, she has successfully received his Grace like so many try to do…her ‘who’ determines her ‘do’- Rachel knows who she is in Christ and therefore does the right things and makes the right decisions for the right reasons. Rachel was very patient with God and did not try to force their relationship, that is probably why she has received His grace so successfully.
God knew that I needed proof of His existence, of His will and graciousness, and He introduced me to Rachel. Not one time did she have to ask me anything about my religion, relationship with Jesus or anything at all. I yearned to know more when I was around her. I wanted to be like her. This just proved to me more that I was trying to force it. By wanting to be someone other than who God made me was one of the many strikes I had against me.
It was about this time in Ireland that I wanted to figure out who Taylor was; I underwent a natural change or sudden awareness of who I was, who I wanted to be and how to combine the two so that there was no difference. I blogged multiple times about my ‘finding myself’and it became a recurring theme…God let Dave interact with me again, in a subtle way, to remind me of how much he cares. Dave sent me a package containing a CD (among many other things) by Jason Castro titled “Who I Am.” God is constantly carrying out meticulous details in our “little picture” that may not make sense at the time, but play a huge part in our “big picture.” He plans everything perfectly so that nothing is by chance. This was one of those moments.
I told you it was long, but I promise, I stop ignoring God here soon!
In November, Dave and I had a two hour long conversation about how God is trying to reach me. I told him that I have this overwhelming feeling that something big was going to happen in my life, I was thinking more about worldly things such as a getting a job offer or a car! In our conversation the only thing I took away from it was that he said I was a failure because I had not been saved. This irked me. [Please know that there was a lot said, and everything was positive, I just had selective hearing I guess and took one little thing and focused on the negative] I got defensive and immediately thought, I am not a failure. I even told him that I disagreed with his opinion. I informed him that I am a good person; I make good decisions and do not mess up etc. Strike whatever I am at now. I was stone-hearted again.I was blocking God out. Dave invited another important person in my life to the office, Sarah. He prayed for me and told Sarah I should come to bible study. He gave her coupons for us to go get some fro-yo together, his treat. We parted ways and I had hw to do and had no desire to enter into a situation to “interact with God” as he had worded it in his prayer for me. I did not text Sarah to go get fro-yo.
God backed off again, but Satan stepped in. I was invited to church that Sunday and then to lunch at Dave’s afterwards with the rest of the Sports info assistants. Well, as Satan would have it, I was DD the night before and left my phone in the car I drove, which was parked on the other side of campus. The phone had my alarm set to actually go to church. -- I am an early riser, 9 out of 10 days I will beat my alarm and be wide awake -- as you can imagine, this particular Sunday I slept in. Once I got my phone I realized I had missed church and lunch...
Just after getting back from Christmas break I met another very important person in my life. We began to get to know each other, and I had some hopes that it may lead to something more. That was until he said that he devoted his life to Christ and that is what he desires. He said that my heart is not in the right place because I do not love and desire Christ more than him. Automatically, I heard that I was not good enough, and not worth a shot. So- as God created me- I was going to prove this guy wrong. I decided that I would read the bible cover to cover if that was all that was preventing the two of us from progressing. Strike infinity. I am surprised I wasn’t struck by lightning. Instead I was struck by His light. In my readings I found that I wanted to open my heart to Christ. I was sitting in bed reading the bible night after night. I changed my radio station to the Christian station that plays in Greensboro, K-Love. I was not doing it anymore so that this man had no other excuses to pass me up. He wasn’t in my thoughts anymore when I was reading scripture, or praying, out loud-by myself-in my room (yup, still the same Taylor- I promise). He was not in my room to hear that I had the radio station switched. I do not post statuses on Facebook to brag, and we do not follow one another on Twitter, so he had no idea that I was actually enjoying this and hearing what God was trying to tell me all along. This guy doesn’t see my notebook of questions and notes and verses that I write down either.
While my initial reasons were entirely wrong and selfish, God had to get my attention somehow. I am kind of embarrassed that is the way in which He had to do it, but I am so glad He did. It has been a long courtship, but He finally got my attention. I have finally asked Christ into my heart. I have welcomed Him in and have put all of my trust in Him and His plan for me. I am somewhere on the path of righteous, not sure where, but I know that I am surely on it, and moving forward. His love for me is so great. It is more than I could fathom, and it truly is something you have to personally experience. It is hard to put into words; because it is more than just words, it is a feeling.
I mentioned earlier that Shelby gave me a gift. I have finally received it. I had her re-send me her letter the other day, and I teared up reading it, something that did not happen the first time. She gave me a gift, but I had yet to truly receive it until I read it again and fully understood and was able to hear what she was saying, how much she cares and the thought she put into it. I interpret the verses and songs so much differently now than I did just over a year ago. God has been trying to give me a gift for years now also, and I just wasn’t receiving it. I am receiving God’s grace, I am feeling his love from the very first second I wake up until I finish my prayer before I fall asleep.
I am not saying this happened over night, by no means is that the case. Let’s be real, I was practically in tears the first Sunday I decided I was going to church. I was a panicky mess. I was feeling so insecure and worried that I would have this special glow or something at church that would let everyone know that it was my first time and that I still truly did not believe. Church that Sunday was about embracing humility. Fitting. 100% what I needed to hear. In church that Sunday and the following one I felt that familiar feeling that I could have been the only person there. I was feeling so convicted. I even attended a Sunday school session (Dave’s father taught the lesson) and even though I was a nervous wreck before that, I found that I enjoyed it and learned so much.
At this point I can say that I have a long way to go, I am enjoying the glory I am in now and recognizing that I am not as mature in my faith as those around me but that none of my impatience will rush God. He works in a special way for each of us. I am trusting in His plan. Heck, He knows that I am a newbie, and I don’t feel pressure from Him to change overnight and therefore should not be feeling pressure from anyone around me, or from myself either. I know that I need change, and I want to change. I honestly can see and feel God changing me daily, but for the time being I will not reject myself, for He accepts me. I will accept who I am right now and know that I will not always remain this way. I know God created me, and He sure does love me.
I know that I will never be perfect and because of this, I will not get discouraged when God convicts me of areas where I need improvement. I want and need to walk in the reality of truth. I am going to mess up, I am going to sin and I am going to be weak, but God has taken my wrongness and given me his righteousness. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with me, I am focusing on what is right in Jesus so that I can overcome my weaknesses and grow. During each trial, I know that I will learn something that will help me in my future, or better understand my past.
My confidence is not meant to be in myself but in Christ so that when God is moving into my life and interacting with me I can believe that He will equip me with what I need and when I need it. I am working on trusting God fully in order to become the strongest I can spiritually. God has a plan for my life. I have been given gifts and talents by Him and I intend to use them to help others and fulfill my destiny.
My biggest struggle is being patient with Him. By nature, I want answers. I have never been good with just waiting and the unknown freaked me out, although this is not solved, I have confidence that He has my heart in mind, and He knows how to guard my heart. He will not intentionally hurt me, but if I try to take over and make my own plans, He will keep me in check by introducing me to people that may hurt me; while this is a sucky way for him to teach me, any parent will do what it takes to discipline their children when they do not listen.
These kind of remind me not to get too anxious and just let Him work:
“patience is not the ability to wait, it is the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting”
“we may not always know, but we can be satisfied to know the one that knows”
There are so many more, but I need to cut myself off from writing. My goal right now is to put my dependence on who I am in Christ rather than on what I do. My “do” should be to believe. If I can accomplish this, my actions will reflect it. Not only will it become second-nature to live my life as Christ did, but I will want to do these good works for the right reasons, and not for attention or selfish motives. I have to be bold and obedient in order to be led by the Holy Spirit, and I need to have self-discipline and most importantly patience. I can’t expect to pass into the next degree of Glory until I enjoy the one I am in at this very moment.
I do recognize that I would not be where I am today, and would not have made any progress at all if it were not for every single person I have met in my life even all of the fake Christians that have helped me to really understand the true definition of a Christian-which I can only have faith and pray that I can become. You have all helped me to become who I am today, and for that I am so thankful. Initially I intended to add a lot more important people I have met here, but there are more blogs to come!
Oh and don’t worry, I am still ‘that girl’… Friday night was my first time attending the Women’s Bible Study here at Guilford with Sarah and a few other athletes on campus. For starters, I showed up at the wrong room, in the wrong building. Then, when I finally found the right room, I realized I left my bible in my room. Way to gooooo, not having a bible and bible study!!! God is changing me daily, but apparently He still wants me to be a dork.
<3
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Here we go again!
I am going to attempt to start blogging again! Hopefully I will follow through this time.... JUST BE WARNED that I am extremely busy lately and I still do not have a computer (should be of no surprise to anyone)...and so even though I love to talk/type/interact with you all, it might not be as often as I would prefer....
I do not even know where to start. Lets see--
My volleyball career is over, at least as a player. I am currently coaching the top 16s team for a club called Sportsplex Volleyball here in Greensboro. It is so much fun- I struggled at first because it is very hard to motivate 16 year olds to WANT to play when their parents have forced them to play...The other coach and I make it pretty fun, and everyone seems to want to play, and want to win and work hard now...I feel satisfied that we were able to accomplish that! It is still sad that I am now considered a "retired college athlete!" [I am going to apply for a coaching position at Union Mine! pray for me...or just wish me luck!]
I am graduating on MAY FIFTH! (cinco de mayyooo). There are 69 days until graduation--but who's counting, right?... My thoughts about this could warrant their own blog entry, I will do that as it gets closer...I will say though that the word bittersweet can sum my feelings up about graduating and entering the real world pretty sufficiently at this point. That, or terrifiexcited! (Terrified + Excited) :]
Post-grad plans--don't get me started. So far this year I have wanted to be a dental hygienist, firefighter, an employee for PBR (not the beer!), Director of Operations for the Olympics, work with a NASCAR team, a pig farmer, full time graduated college kid, camp counselor and a volleyball coach.-- I have applied to numerous (and random) jobs, I have some interviews coming up, but needless to say- I think I am having a quarter-life crisis...and will probably use the next year to work my way up the totem pole and get more experience...I don't expect a 'big kid' job right out of college, and I hope that ya'll don't expect that of me either!
This summer, I am still not sure if I will be back home in Cali, or out here in North Carolina! (Sorry Shast!)...Heck, I could be in Colorado, Florida, Alabama or Rhode Island depending on responses (or lack thereof) to my applications! It is kind of scary but fun not knowing where I will be 69+ days from right now... All I really know at this point that I can be sure of is that I will end up where I am supposed to. Everything will work out. I have faith and trust that God will make something happen in my life.
Oh, yeah, that's another thing... I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, and let me tell you....its the best feeling...ever. Yes, it is still me, Taylor. Still the same girl you all know and (hopefully still) love. February 12th is my spiritual birthday...[nope, I did not plan for it to be on the 12th day in the 12th year, it just happened that way]...Why? Who cares? How is this making the blog? Might be questions you are asking yourselves, but it is a huge part of my life recently and I am overfilled with joy and wanted to share... I will write about it in the next few days....if you find that you would rather read about something else, no problem, won’t hurt my feelers- I promise [for those of you that would like to, its ..l..o..n..g.. but you could have guessed that already!]
Basically lately I have been trying to grow in my faith, be a good student, volleyball coach, and employee and try to find a car to buy. I feel like I have 0 time anymore between homework, midterms, take-home tests, job applications, car researching and reading the bible and meeting in bible studies, so I think that starting to blog will be a release for me. I really enjoy it. Mainly because if I am talking too much and you find that you are not interested anymore, I will never know. I won’t see you make any faces or check your phone or watch multiple times or look over your shoulder in hopes that someone you know is walking by ;) You can just simply hit the [x] in the top corner.
Spring Break is starting next Thursday for me. Jordy and Hank are going to visit Friday to help me test drive cars and get a feel for what I like. Then I have a volleyball tournament on Saturday and on Sunday my friend Brittany, her sister Brandy and I are going to drive down to Orlando to meet up with Jordyn and Hank. We will spend from the 4-7th in a timeshare Dad got us. Jord is going to be getting settle in her next home until May at Disney World. So I will be helping her with that! I am so excited for her! So proud that she has such a great opportunity before her! It will be really great to have a break from all my hw and baseball/softball games/hours...
Tomorrow (technically today- cuz im nocturnal) is the DAYTONA 500...this time last year mom had the computer set up on a chair in front of the tv in their living room so that I could watch the finish. Praying that Trevor Bayne has a phenomenal day tomorrow, and Michael McDowell...and my main squeeze Kasey Kahne, obviously..... As long as everyone has a safe race, I will be a happy camper!
Okay, abrupt ending, but I need to walk back to Hodgins to get some sleep. Long day tomorrow!
:] <3
I do not even know where to start. Lets see--
My volleyball career is over, at least as a player. I am currently coaching the top 16s team for a club called Sportsplex Volleyball here in Greensboro. It is so much fun- I struggled at first because it is very hard to motivate 16 year olds to WANT to play when their parents have forced them to play...The other coach and I make it pretty fun, and everyone seems to want to play, and want to win and work hard now...I feel satisfied that we were able to accomplish that! It is still sad that I am now considered a "retired college athlete!" [I am going to apply for a coaching position at Union Mine! pray for me...or just wish me luck!]
I am graduating on MAY FIFTH! (cinco de mayyooo). There are 69 days until graduation--but who's counting, right?... My thoughts about this could warrant their own blog entry, I will do that as it gets closer...I will say though that the word bittersweet can sum my feelings up about graduating and entering the real world pretty sufficiently at this point. That, or terrifiexcited! (Terrified + Excited) :]
Post-grad plans--don't get me started. So far this year I have wanted to be a dental hygienist, firefighter, an employee for PBR (not the beer!), Director of Operations for the Olympics, work with a NASCAR team, a pig farmer, full time graduated college kid, camp counselor and a volleyball coach.-- I have applied to numerous (and random) jobs, I have some interviews coming up, but needless to say- I think I am having a quarter-life crisis...and will probably use the next year to work my way up the totem pole and get more experience...I don't expect a 'big kid' job right out of college, and I hope that ya'll don't expect that of me either!
This summer, I am still not sure if I will be back home in Cali, or out here in North Carolina! (Sorry Shast!)...Heck, I could be in Colorado, Florida, Alabama or Rhode Island depending on responses (or lack thereof) to my applications! It is kind of scary but fun not knowing where I will be 69+ days from right now... All I really know at this point that I can be sure of is that I will end up where I am supposed to. Everything will work out. I have faith and trust that God will make something happen in my life.
Oh, yeah, that's another thing... I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, and let me tell you....its the best feeling...ever. Yes, it is still me, Taylor. Still the same girl you all know and (hopefully still) love. February 12th is my spiritual birthday...[nope, I did not plan for it to be on the 12th day in the 12th year, it just happened that way]...Why? Who cares? How is this making the blog? Might be questions you are asking yourselves, but it is a huge part of my life recently and I am overfilled with joy and wanted to share... I will write about it in the next few days....if you find that you would rather read about something else, no problem, won’t hurt my feelers- I promise [for those of you that would like to, its ..l..o..n..g.. but you could have guessed that already!]
Basically lately I have been trying to grow in my faith, be a good student, volleyball coach, and employee and try to find a car to buy. I feel like I have 0 time anymore between homework, midterms, take-home tests, job applications, car researching and reading the bible and meeting in bible studies, so I think that starting to blog will be a release for me. I really enjoy it. Mainly because if I am talking too much and you find that you are not interested anymore, I will never know. I won’t see you make any faces or check your phone or watch multiple times or look over your shoulder in hopes that someone you know is walking by ;) You can just simply hit the [x] in the top corner.
Spring Break is starting next Thursday for me. Jordy and Hank are going to visit Friday to help me test drive cars and get a feel for what I like. Then I have a volleyball tournament on Saturday and on Sunday my friend Brittany, her sister Brandy and I are going to drive down to Orlando to meet up with Jordyn and Hank. We will spend from the 4-7th in a timeshare Dad got us. Jord is going to be getting settle in her next home until May at Disney World. So I will be helping her with that! I am so excited for her! So proud that she has such a great opportunity before her! It will be really great to have a break from all my hw and baseball/softball games/hours...
Tomorrow (technically today- cuz im nocturnal) is the DAYTONA 500...this time last year mom had the computer set up on a chair in front of the tv in their living room so that I could watch the finish. Praying that Trevor Bayne has a phenomenal day tomorrow, and Michael McDowell...and my main squeeze Kasey Kahne, obviously..... As long as everyone has a safe race, I will be a happy camper!
Okay, abrupt ending, but I need to walk back to Hodgins to get some sleep. Long day tomorrow!
:] <3
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